Once upon a time the Internet
used to be filled with a huge amount of nerds. Much of the earliest traffic on
the Internet was in fact dedicated to these nerds' favorite pastimes, one of
the most popular being "video games" and "fucking with other
nerds." And when these two passions inevitably combined, a spectacular
amount of disinformation was soon spread about video games around the Internet:
fantastic hoaxes, artfully constructed of lies, built on a foundation of
doctored screenshots.
Here are
some of the most famous examples.
6. Pokemon
Red/Blues’s - Mew
Mew was the 151st Pokemon in the original Pokemon Red/Blue games, and was
by design always going to be the hardest to get. The legal way to get Mew was
to attend a real-world Nintendo event, where a Nintendo employee with a tired
smile would plug your Game Boy into his and upload Mew. This was the only way
to actually get Mew in the game, so for anyone with the sense to stay far, far
away from other Pokemon players, the 151st Pokemon was completely inaccessible.
Telling a group of players that they can't collect
something, after relentlessly badgering them about the importance of collecting
everything, is one of the biggest
moronic moves in all of video gaming, and as you can expect, it broke
many young players' brains. The Internet soon filled with rumors of how to get
Mew, the most famous of which can be summarized thusly: Mew is under the truck.
The truck in question was in a
normally inaccessible area of the game, but by following a fairly easy series
of steps, the player could get there and wander around. Most discovered that
the area was inaccessible for a reason; there was basically nothing there at
all. Except for a truck. A purely decorative, not remarkable in any way truck.
But because of some dink on the Internet who
claimed that the secretest of all Pokemon was hidden under the truck, players
would spend hours pushing, pulling and pleading with it. All for nothing.
There was little shame in trying this once and
failing. It wasn't too dissimilar a technique from those used for finding other
Pokemon, and it was certainly easy enough to do. What made this so insidious
was the relatively young age of Pokemon players and the correspondingly high
levels of gullibility, which meant that once they'd tried and failed, they kept trying. Again and
again and again, convinced that they'd done something wrong, ruining their
Gameboys with salty tears, pleading for the 151st Pokemon to arrive, the one
that would surely become their
real friend.
5. Super Mario 64’s – Clothed Luigi
As you'd expect from its name, Super Mario 64 was a game that
featured a character called Mario who was pretty awesome, and was the 64th
entry in the Mario franchise.
Nowhere in the name does it contain the word "Bros." or "And
Friends" or, critically, "Luigi." Luigi is not in this game (not
the Nintendo 64 version, anyways).
Do you think that stopped people from
hunting for him until their thumbs bled?
Many people were
convinced that Luigi existed within the game, and with absolutely no evidence
to back that up, they were forced to make up some of their own. One of the key
points in the” Luigi exists” theory was
a particular statue in the castle, which, as you can see, had a blurry
inscription:
Now, if you're not having this website
read to you by your great-grandchild, you'll probably figure out pretty quickly
what's happened here. The artists decided that the statue they were making
would look better with an inscription plate, even though the game's engine
wouldn't be able to render a texture that printed anything legible. So they put
in a gibberish texture. This decision, which probably took about 10 seconds to
make, managed to waste countless days of countless idiots' lives. You see, for
people who've suffered the unlikely but unfortunate fate of being brained by
falling space debris, this illegible nonsense clearly read: "L is real 2401"
Which was proof enough that Luigi could
be found within the game, and that "2401" was an important number.
They'd later decide that that was the number of coins in the game, because that
sounded pretty smart, and that you needed to collect all of them to unlock
Luigi, because that sounded like a kind of stupid thing to do.
Almost impossibly gullible. That was
complete gibberish, interpreted by madmen, advocating spending dozens more
hours in a game you'd probably already beaten several times over from a company
that has never been so jerkish toward its players.
4. Street Fighter Two’s
– Sheng Long
In the game Street Fighter II, after your character wins a fight, you get to
deliver a short speech to your bloodied opponent in which you reflect on the
causes for his failure and just generally act like a jerk. In the original
Japanese game, the character Ryu delivered a particularly jerkish wisdom-nugget
that would eventually set up this hoax: "If you cannot overcome the Rising
Dragon Punch, you cannot win!" This is of course a reference to Ryu's Rising
Dragon Punch, a really impractical-looking leaping uppercut that everyone who
watches UFC is secretly hoping to actually witness one day.
But when translating this into English, the developers decided to first
translate it into Chinese, because that's evidently closer, and by the time the
quote reached Western arcades, it read: "You must defeat Sheng Long to
stand a chance."
"Well then who the heck is
Sheng Long?" a chorus of 11-year-old voices shrieked, only to be answered
when the SNES version of the game came out. Its instruction manual claimed that
Sheng Long -- which, I cannot stress enough, at that point was a mistranslated
gibberish name that came out of
nowhere -- was Ryu's formal martial arts master.
Into this cluster of
miscommunication stepped Electronic
Gaming Monthly, a video games magazine best known for its mastery of
clustered miscommunication. In their April 1992 issue, EGM printed a claim that the
player could fight Sheng Long by undertaking a ridiculously difficult sequence
of events, essentially using Ryu for half a day without taking any
damage. It was later revealed that this was an April Fool's joke (which EGM cleverly disguised by
publishing in mid-February), but that didn't stop other magazines from
reprinting the trick. Without checking
it, because obviously this is just video games journalism we're talking about.
Before long, there wasn't a Street
Fighter player in the world who wasn't convinced that you could
fight Sheng Long if you only tried
hard enough.
As
mentioned, "Sheng Long" had been hinted at in both the arcade and
SNES versions of the game. And there was no reason to distrust the video games
magazines; in this era, to an 11-year-old, they had about the same authority as
the Bible. And because the steps were so difficult to do they could never be
verified, and there was no way to definitively prove the hoax wrong, this one
drove kids mad for a long, long time.
3. The legend of Zelda: Ocarina of time – Finding the Triforce
The Triforce is a kind of powerful triangle thing
in the Legend of Zelda games.
It's never been explained very clearly what the hell it is, but getting your hands
on it is usually a Pretty Big Deal. So when players completed the Ocarina of Time, the Nintendo 64
installment of the franchise, and found no Triforce at all, they got a little
concerned. A Zelda game
with no sign of the Triforce?
Well, almost no sign of it.
That right there is one of the inventory screens in
the game, and right there in the middle is an indentation in the exact shape of
the Triforce. It could just be decorative, and in fact it was completely
decorative. BUT WHAT IF IT WASN'T?????
Then there was the screenshot that showed Link
standing before the Triforce, getting ready to grab it. Even in an age when
Photoshopped images were becoming common, this was pretty convincing-looking.
And indeed it was real, although pulled from a preview video Nintendo released
before the game came to market. The Triforce was removed from the game after
the video was released ...
Naturally, a slew of Internet trolls claimed that yes, there was a way to get
the triforce, and for people who really liked triangle things, that was all
they needed.
A little gullible, but not overly
so. By the time this one came around, the concept of video game hoaxes had been
pretty well-established -- the Sheng Long incident being the most famous. So
anyone who proposed a solution that involved completing dozens of awkward, time
consuming steps should have been looked at pretty skeptically.
Still, that sure looked like a place for a Triforce
to hang out in your inventory, didn't it? And it's not like hanging around in
Hyrule wasn't fun. This game was freaking rad. Playing through that a dozen
times looking for something that wasn't there was hardly punishment.
<!--[if !supportLists]-->2.
<!--[endif]-->Final Fantasy VII – Aeris Lives
Aeris was a major character in Final Fantasy VII, and one of the
romantic interests for the disinterested, spiky-haired protagonist. About
halfway through the game, during a confrontation with the main villain, she's
killed (spoilers), a legitimately surprising turn of events for most players,
and a shock to our spiky-haired protagonist, ultimately making him marginally
less disinterested.
But it turns out that
a game that involves butchering thousands of monsters isn't a very fun place to
think about death, and players around the world freaked out, convinced that
there was some way to save Aeris. Over the next few months and years, message
boards and forums filled with ridiculously lengthy and complicated methods of
getting Aeris back.
Keep in mind that we are talking about
trying to restore a character whose death is completely central to every
remaining plot point and character development in the game. Aeris is as fundamentally
and completely dead as the narrative can make her.
And when you consider the sheer effort required to investigate any of the 11
possible techniques cited here, almost all of which require either a dedicated
play through to reach the halfway point of the game (20+ hours) or some
ridiculous hunt for ultra rare items after the fact, you realize that we're
dealing with epic levels of gullibility. Anyone who tried to do all of these things must have a
pretty big gap on their resume. Explaining "Played Final Fantasy for Nine Months
Because the Internet Tricked Me" to a potential employer isn't going to
make you look very employable, and if you happen to find yourself in that
circumstance, I'd suggest coming up with an alternate explanation.
1. Tomb Raider’s Naked Lara Croft
Tomb Raider's heroine, Lara Croft, is an
acrobatic, duel-wielding, tomb-raiding ass kicker. She also happens to be
comically hot, with breasts so large that they look like they'd interfere with
some pretty basic activities.
If you're familiar with video game players or the Internet in general, you
should not be surprised that it took about five seconds after this game was
released before rumors spread of a "nude code" that could remove
Lara's clothes. Even though the in-game graphics engine limited her to looking
like this ...
... that was still something people
needed to see naked.
Pretty gullible for sure. By this time,
people were getting used to the idea that the Internet was a cesspool of
treachery. And when you consider the legal hell a publisher would catch for
publishing pornography in a children's game, it becomes even less plausible.
Finally, the fact that it plays so blatantly on a horny kid's deep need to see boobies
should have been another clue that it was gullibility bait.
Interestingly enough,
some impossibly lonely hacker did eventually create a "nude patch"
for the game, replacing the textures used to display Lara with naked textures.
For the boob-hungry reader willing to download sketchy binaries from sketchy
websites, their dream of seeing pointy, pixelated boobs was finally at
hand.